What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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