planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
