that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
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I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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