i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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