If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize