When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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