While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
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this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize