i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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