in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
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Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
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I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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