playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
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You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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