Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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