The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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