no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
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I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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