Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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