Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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