I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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