If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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