You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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