you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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