he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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