i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
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Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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