So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
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You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
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sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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