Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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