im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize