it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My vagina just recognized that song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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