We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
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What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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