yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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