I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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