Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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