here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
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I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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