lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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