Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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