Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
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How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
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i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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