he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Terrible idea I love it
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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