Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
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Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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