I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the condom got lost in my hair
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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