We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
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I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
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Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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