he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
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So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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