Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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