Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
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We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
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All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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