She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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