I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize