He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
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She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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