life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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