I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Never joke about your clitoris.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize