turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
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It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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