I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
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but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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