at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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