Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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