Betty ford says i'm here all night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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