thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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